The Escape

i was so desperate in late 90s of the last century,iraq was like dying country,people were so miserable ,we were squeezed hard by the UN blockade,
i was a doctor ,but could hardly earn my living ,but mostly things were just intolerable.
we were harassed all the time ,i thought of every way to flee ,and once i had the chance ,i took it right away..i had to leave an old mother and a sister in her late 40s,all alone,i kept thinking how will they manage alone ,i used to take care of things for them for years ,but again i just reached a state i could not tolerate things no more .. so i took the ride from mosul in the north of iraq ,to the borders to jordan,about 800 km ,it was a non stop drive ,no one ever did know about my plans..only my poor mother(it must be kept a secret or i get caught) who stood at the door all tears ,and my wailing sister,i never looked back to see their faces ,i knew i may go crazy and burst into tears ,i dreaded the idea. now 2 hrs on the road it was getting dark ,the driver who also knew of our plan of escape ,he kept silent ,he witnessed the last minute of my departure ,and the tragic scene,so i suppose he thought not to talk and add to the bitterness ..he said some words ,i did not answer . for tears were still welling in my eyes ,we reached the border with jordan at dusk ,i was so tired ,mental exhaustion was wearing me out ,physically i could almost collapse ,any minute ,so at last.. the critical moments were i had to check with the customs officer ,Iraqi customs ,you must know these are high ranking officers very loyal to the regeme and real cruel and feared by all,i was really afraid..if they knew i was on the run ,i was to go to prison ,with no one else to know where and when shall i be out again ..the kind driver tipped me some secrets ,he said dont ever say anything unless you are asked ..second..he added say the least as possible,try keep your mouth shut as much as you can ..look as if you were on a bussiness trip ,as a tradesman ,be very little eloquent ,say words like you are of some very middle class people ,and if asked hard questions ..you should look baffled and not knowing what to answer but never waver,keep your nerves like in freeze ..any way if you got caught ,you can do nothing.. keep that in mind ,so take your chances bravely ,and pray for luck .. if you were kept long in there he said ,he will tell them he is never with me or we will both be canned together..
but thats all ,it seems God was with me again ,as if all were blinded..like they never saw me,never asked me anything.. otherwise i was so weak still afraid and faltering ,any question ,will put me wide in the open ,and its the can waiting for me ..my pulse was halved.. as we crossed the border at last,once inside jordan territories ,i knew i made an escape ,and tears came to my eyes again,i remembered mother ,and poor sister ,i will never see hem again ,for anyone fleeing like that could never even hope of getting back inside ,it woul be suicide for sure .
i stayed in jordan for a while ,i had brothers in canada ,they sent me some money ,they were well off ,been there for 30 y by then ,they ran away many years ahead of me ,so i managed get a ticket to yemen ,the only country who will accept iraqis,i tried diffirent countries but i was pushed away .
i rode the plain to yemen ,i knew non there whomever ,in jordan ,on the passenger plane who lifted me up to the high clouds at midnight ,to yemen where i knew absolutely none there.. Now i was really scared,alone,no one to know and no support of any kind going to a place i ve never seen or head before.. only with one idea in mind,they needed doctors there ,it was very good in that case ,5 hours in the air ,i was completely off balance was shaky all over it was like one ride from home to yemen..a ride to the unkown with no comeback ever.. all in all about 3 days travelling ,
i landed in Sanaa ,capital of yemen ,i just heard of it ,never seen it before or known anything about it ..
it was a miserable airport ,it was like garage ,only planes sheltered sheltered there and not cars .. at the checkpoint the yemeni officer asked few questions ,chewing lots of gatt .. a hallucinating plant they chew to get high..eyes so bright and piercing from the drug ,
i asked for a bus to midtown(at the reception or so it seemed ,how funny i almost laughed at him and myself).. they said there was none ,so i took the first taxi i saw.. it was the 60s model ,the driver was so messy ,and dirty ,and mouth full of that drug gatt ,eyes blazing ,i was so occupied in thought and mind i was dazed and all like lost .. i never asked how much will it cost me ,after 30 min . ride ,he said he will charge me 100 dollars ,i shreaked like hell,i said ,its only a few kilometers ride .. he said ,look ,you have some options..though very few ,i leave you here in the desert and not on the main road ,but away from it, so you can never get another ride and he laughed loud at me ..or you pay,he said after a while .. i pleaded i have not that lot on me ,but he will never budge ,he even insinuated he will fight for whats his right ,i took it as a threat ,so i kept silent .. after a while he asked.. ok give me the money, i said i will pay half what he asked ,but no ..he wanted all ..i was so tired all drained up ,so hungry ,and not knowing what i am doing . What!-i thought- was all this right ,i regretted everything ,now its about 3 days traveling ,i almost went to tears ,but i never showed it ,if he knew of my weakness ,he will take the money and everything and kill me just the same so ..i tried all my best to re-negotiate with him ,like increasing the bet from 50 upto 90 ,but again he said in a very harsh and loud voice that he will get his money,all of it- only when i am tucked in a hotel .. and I complimented him as yemenees were very good arab nationalist-i was laughing at myself,he was joking at my words and rediculing me ,i was sure ,but i think he thought to himself to settle for 90 dollars at last-it was a long negotiation- .. by then the lights of sanaa were in sight,i thought the nightmare was at end ,i said to myself wake up ,but it was not a nightmare ,he took his money and threw my luggage at some dirty hotel entrance ,the owner was at the door ,saying in a shrill voice,like a pig ,welcome welcome ,this is like your home ,we are all arabs ,so welcome you are in happy yemen- so they called it ,i made it to the entrance where i collapsed just upon going inside inside..

this will be continued as i see fit..

CAPRI 2

At last the boat ride came to an end. I was the first to go off board the boat ,it was so unsteady and I thought it gentlemanly to help my friend Mary, out of the boat, so I extended my arm to her ,she jumped and caught my arm ,I made sure to stand right on the edge ,so as she jumped ,she came right into my arms, her color all changed to crimson red ,and she for a while felt so agitated in my arms ,I could see her friend did not like the way things were going.

But I could feel Mary excitement at our sudden and quick encounter .Once she regained her composure, she whispered to my ears almost imploring to come along with them to the hotel, and have a room there, she went on, I would like you to be by my side, we would have a wonderful time, going around town and everything, she said.

Wow here I knew I got her entangled to my strings, so I was a little wicked and naughty ,I thought I would play a little at her emotions and nerves, I did not really know why I am doing that, I just did it.

I told her,OK dear ,I will come see your hotel, I think its not good enough the way you described it ,I was really getting naughty, and snobby, I was never like that ,and I could never lodge in a hotel very grand as I lied to her, I just went on with my game, it was crazy,always playing therole of the- hard to get- guy.

She was more agitated and excited when we got to her hotel .I did draw a very unsatisfied look on my face, and said, Oh dear what a hotel how can you live here.

She was so desperate to prove otherwise just to keep me beside her, she said, it may look like that from the outside, come, come she said have a look on the inside, you will really like it, so she took me to her room. We were alone there, after a while I kept looking around and just sat down on the big bed ,I must say to myself the room was quite good, very well furnished.

I could see she was very disappointed ,I was sure she was expecting me to take her in my arms right after we closed the door, oh she did not know I wanted that much more than she did, I was still playing the silly game ,and to top all that ,I said no, this is notthe hotel that I stay in.

she just stood there ,at loss with words ,I was looking down at the floor as if I lost something and looking for it,I did not want to look at her ,no not now ,not yet .

Then casually I said with out looking at her ,I would like to shower ,is it ok I went on ,the bathroom is it good and clean ,she just eyed me with surprise then she got hold on herself she must have thought i just wanted a way to get out of there ,and simply i was just getting nice to her,apparently the dear lady ,came to think this was not the grounds she is supposed to be walking on. So she changed her behavior to a friendly one, and said by all means, go to the bathroom, I will check for some drinks,.

I did not stay long, I came out a few minutes later .with nothing on, and I said: sorry, I did not find anything to wear, you do not mind, no?

She was amazed, did not know what to say, she said its ok, but I was sure it was not ok, her face was so feverish red she wanted to look but she could not, and even her words were so faint and not so fluent.

I let her take a look at me, but not directly ,only she stealing a look now and then ,I thought it was too much torture for the poor dear,so I put my clothes on, and came and sat by her side and took the drink ,and we kept silent.

then I said ,it was almost dark by then about 7 pm local time I asked to take her to dinner, she just looked down .took long to answer ,I really wondered what she was thinking.

Ok she said lets go ,I would like some heavy drink ,she went on ,I am not feeling well,she hada disturbed look on her face, I was too hard on the beautiful lady ,I even asked myself ,what’s wrong with you ,you stupid,

We sat in that restaurant mostly drinking, we stayed there for hours hardly speaking just few words here and there, and then we got up and left.

I said I would like to come with you and have a room at your hotel though as bad as it is but too late to go to my hotel room.

I saw she agreed but did not seem to care much any more, I saw she just lost hope of anything that may come between us.

We reached her hotel she made arrangements to get me a room, I told her I would be thankful if she came with me to the room, only for an hour, please I said,
She laughed; off course don’t be stupid I will come.

This time the minute I closed the door behind us, I took her in my arms, and gave her a long kiss, she was so happy she even cried and said, or you son of a bitch, you were deliberately pushing me away right?

I never answered, we were right in bed where she took me in ,it was by now as the game was over for me ,it felt so hot and strong she almost cried in joy like a baby ,,oh you ,she said, I could kill you right now ,but I love you so much you bastard ,you turned my day into a nightmare .I felt so guilty that I went on with my game too long ,she was made really miserable ,but now she is all joy, I held myself ,and said I want to fuck you, and looked deep into her eyes ,she looked me long too in the eyes and said oh yes fuck me you bastard,you think I will let you go before you do it ,fuck me till the morning light, or else. I will kill you and laughed but was suddenly stopped by a strong orgasm where she tensed in my arms for what I thought a lifetime ,then as she recoiled ,she laughed and said ,we finished number one ,you still, at this rate at least have 9 more to go ,bastard,
I love you I said

I love you too, you son of a bitch, she said laughing..I will never let go
And the night still went on

CAPRI 1

I was 20y old, it was half through college training. I thought I would for once go see Italy; it was a great inspiration just to see Rome.
It was sweltering hot in Mosul, so I worked quickly at it, in a few days I was in Rome.

I checked in a hotel, in the afternoon I would wonder in the streets, no one ever talked but Italian I was completely lost, I was getting mad.

I told myself once I get used to it may will get better for me, but no, I was getting depressed and lonely every day. I was walking one early morning never knowing where I am going ,its just by a chance I came to a tourist company ,yes I always told myself such tourist countries like Italy must have lots of travel companies .it was ITT ,very famous they had many different schedules. I met Miranda there ,the receptionist, she was very cute ,I could see those wide nipples below her flimsy transparent T shirt ,she looked at me all smiling eyes ,I was in my prime youth ,no bragging all women who had a first look ,they will surely had their eyes fixed on me for a while .

so I asked Miranda ,very beautiful English accent she had ,I gave her a tip ,quite a big tip ,so I asked about the best places ,best trip schedules includes hotel facilities ,and all meals ,breakfast ,dinner and supper and bed .So she gave me lots of choices ,one was Capri ,I said yes I would take that .Miranda was so generous with me as to put me on a bus in half an hour ,3 hours ride ,to Capri .I was there ,the tourist guide ,said the best thing to do is take a boat ride to the caves ,these are the best things to see ,the best must see trip by boat .

So I found myself in a boat with 2 British ladies, one in her early thirties, the other, in her late twenties.

the thirties lady was so pretty very wide eyes ,flannel flimsy summer dress to her knees ,the waves was so high, seagulls were roaming overhead ,making big noises along with the cries of the mad waves there was a very cold strong wind to go along with the rest,the boat would rise and come down so heavily to crash on the waves I thought we would capsize ,and no telling about it ,the lady in her thirties ,was very worried about her dress ,the wind was so high too ,each time there is a gush of wind that would send her dress high up ,and she would tuck it down to her knees ,once she was caught unaware ,so all her beautiful body unto her neck was shown ,she had some lovely legs ,all pants and white bras and everything were shown .she looked at me as if to see how much did I see a bit shy she was,I never looked away from her she was a little annoyed , obviously she thought ,I saw everything .

,she was a bit sore for once then all of a sudden there was a big wave I thought the boat had lost all balance,the sea like has gone mad, if I was not quick to catch her arms she surely would have gone off the boat to the raging waves.

Thank you, she said, half laughing ,wow, I almost got underwater,she went on ,I hope you know how to swim. I could sense the sudden interest ,I said in a pretty good accent, no dear ,I don’t.

My God she said, this really worries me, I should not have taken this trip, yes sorry ,she said, my name is Mary and this here is my friend, jenny, so where you from, she was almost shouting, otherwise she could never be heard the noise from the raging sea, the flying birds will deafen anyone.

So I shouted louder, I was from Iraq ,I said ,she took that for a moment ,then said ,where is Iraq, by then it was never in the news ,then she said oh yes where the oil comes right,
Yes, I answered.

I could see there was a mounting curiosity going into some mild interest.

She looked ahead for awhile, and then shyly she said where you are staying?
In a hotel downtown, I answered

She hesitated ,then after a while she said ,we lodge in a good hotel ,would you like to join us, it’s a good place ,I could tell the last words were said ,in some agitated voice, I think she took a fancy on me .

As I said I was nice looking at that age and women in their thirties look sad and lose their minds at such youth when they remember that getting old is a fact.

I said ,I do not know, i like fancy hotel ,actually I was pretending ,and was playing games with her ,the poor woman ,I was getting cruel somehow , I knew she was interested ,so I was playing the role of the tough guy.

The boat was getting near to the inside of the caves, the sun rays will go through the water and to come out inside the caves to reflect on its walls it’s like artificial lightning great view really.

Still it was somewhat dark inside, I could see her shift her self a little she was nearer ,I could feel her face getting so close to me ,everyone was engaged in some activity ,for the scenery was really great inside the cave ,I was bold enough to kiss her cheek and whisper to her ears ,I like you a lot dear lady, I was expecting a very rough answer though I was not sure ,things were taking a quick pace.

But to my surprise, she turned towards me and brought her mouth so near; I would be very impolite if I did not do it.

So I just took that mouth and gave her a very strong kiss, I could see she was almost dazzled and almost lost her way with words ,she just whispered ,I could only hear her voice ,I like you a lot,she said ,I do not know what’s wrong with me ,the poor woman as beautiful as she was really got unsure of what she is doing.

I have never talked to strangers specially from overseas, and in half an hour I find myself sitting with them exchanging kisses, I think I am going crazy ,but I also think I love you and I want to take you to the hotel ,you can have a room there.

Oh the dear lady she was so hopeless, its probably the age difference ,my looks ,oh yes I said it ,at the time I was a real womanizer if I wanted ,but I never did ,but in this instance I really felt something ,I really liked her .

But as crazy as I am I still played some games on the poor lady, for now I was sure she fell head over heals for me.

Ninth April,The Time We Were Declared A Free Country..

April, 9th, i reached Jordan, flying from Yemen; I had been watching the news on the tele for the past few days…
And as I sat in my hotel room, I remembered family, mother and sister all alone…
I used to hear and see all that bombardments, all those shells I saw on tele,how nice they were
Better than any film I would have loved to see, I wondered if any left there to see, so I went to see
In Jordan, in my hotel…lying on bed i used to think, what if, what if…
Everyday I go to the foreign affairs they tell me no way to Iraq, all roads blocked. Its war
And I waited just a little more, it was tomorrow the first lights of day. A car will take me in
Four years been away. Just could not wait to see if anybody is left to see
So in I went, no customs on border, no police no nothing…
Only American soldier on border waived his hands…hello
Was so happy…i was on Iraqi lands, i saw loved ones and been home…
First few days, I saw peace not a shot was here…
But alas took no more than thirty days and it flared again
You can hear bombings and shelling every where
And I asked what’s wrong we have been ok
They told me it’s a change of plans. Lots on the way…
I said which plans and who made them
And they told me…you just sit back and enjoy the show
For its going to take too long. I was dazed
I asked…is it days or weaks
And they said months and years till eternity
And I laughed for inside me I knew it all the way
It’s never going to be sunshine and roses
But to get this dark I never thought, it will be this way
So I asked God if it’s not too much to ask
Dear God either make and end of it, or just take me away
I would love to be with you. This is too much burden I can’t bear no more
God just help ease this burdened soul, for I can not take any more..

ALWAYS LOOKED FOR A MEANING..

in yonder days ,i used to say life is so complicated ,and a great disarray
nothing adds up to the other no connection whatsoever,and i wondered how it could all be gathered
for how could you live and stand a state where nothing makes a sense,and all links interrupted
i thought a lot about it ,my mind nearly gone astray ,i was only a teen ,and tender at nerves
i wondered a lot why we were tossed together like that ,no bound to the other whatsoever
i thought and thought about it.i read some books just to find a meaning to all this,life
there has to be a connection through it all ,and one has to be known and bound to others
so i looked and looked ,and further dived into what others had to say..and first i was lost in what
all told me ,some talked about love ,all kinds ,serene ,tabooed ,and exagerated ,and infamous
others talked about abstract sex and how it sharpened the senses to show us more in focus
and see greater vision ,i could go forever telling what they had to offer as answer to all the chaos
one answer ,only one could be in a million,i found in poetry ,i found few people i felt great bond
through their words,they had a meaning at last ,i found some meaning around here ,and why i am here
beauty to excess i found it imbibed me and sucked me into it..for once i was not lost ,
in some reading i was sunk and funny i never wanted to come out,even if i drowned
its the common beauty some will tell of and mix in my mind ,i found i belonged to these people ,at last i was not alone
at last i found company,lovely company ,and never alone and sick to death like i was always..could be the answer

I See My Own Sun

when i wake up everyday ,it was usually cloudy and black..
told myself should not count on the sun no more,take on your own light
so i start ,never counted on you controversial sun,one day you come ,and again you failed
could not play this game again,too much for my nerves so i invented someone else to take your place
ohh yes its she ,took your stand now i wake up on her light,she comes to me like a morning breeze
wake up ,wake up,you lazy bones,open your eyes and i show you everything they try to keep you from
i will show you some hidden shadows,no need to squint your eyes hard to see..i will show everything you never saw
i will fill your world with visions,a light you never saw,joy you never felt or lived ever before,just think of me on every morn
i will come to you,like a new life ,each day i dress different for you,to play with your eyes and sight,never worry no more
its a new set of feelings,like a new heavens ,a whole new life,i will shine on you like once you lighted all my life..here the sun never set

STRANGE LOVE AFFAIRS,sequele to Part One

She used to come at night and sit on side of my bed…I used to lie there…

We were friends and she knew…but somehow I imagined things are going a bit far with each coming night

I left a husband and two wonderful children, she used to say. I used to love him for he cared in the beginning

Before he took to drinking…and beating me wherever, whenever he could…

I was so surprised, how could anyone be so cruel, she was lovely looking and still young to have a big family

Wish I was rich…had a house, she went on…be a mistress of a family-now I could see she was getting drunk, for she

Never stopped drinking, her eyes so wet, like the vodka coming even through them…giving her such a lovely red hue to her face

I kept looking ahead only snapping a look at her now and then…I was really afraid things may go out of hand…

She looked tired and miserable; I missed the firing energy I used to see in her, all day long at work, till we come to our rooms at night.

She looked ahead with closed eyes like she was meditating…her mouth only opened with a long sigh

And in a low whispered voice she dragged a breath like it would not come, and looked at me in dreamy sleepy and

Drunken eyes…closed again. Wished you were made for me, she said, you will love my children, I just know

You will take care of me, I just know…she was talking like in sleep…wish you had me from the beginning

From day one when you came in…How I dreamed of you at nights…what a wonderful sight

Whenever I was afraid used to think of you and me in your arms…how it felt so secure

How it told me how it would be like if I was yours

Always dreamed of us though in shameless posture, though there was certain purity in what I see…the moment you stepped in this place, first it felt strange, i never saw such looks before

I know the eyes will look different as long as the mind thought and behaved and acted different

So I wondered what were you thinking that day…now I know you ve always been a scholar

How strong I always thought you to be, how safe I always thought of me whenever I was near to you…how you gave me confidence in me how you controlled all over my mind and heart

I know you never think about these things, traditions you say, but no I tell you, it’s you, so different

But could you come closer to me, it s a bit selfish to keep all that strength I feel in you just for you

I feel so afraid like I never felt…its time you feel little for me…i could give you all my life my security ,my shaking reputation and still would not waver ,i always counted on you

One thing first tell me how you gathered all that energy…i really (now she always gave a hysterical kind of looks, very strange) dont understand, and laughed strangely some more this time

A bit longer, i was even alarmed…looks to me there are people that dont belong to our world

I belong to this,mine, still I could take a peek at your world, mine is different, I never felt pure

But I tried,always a little shake from anyone and I take a bend and rid of all my clothes, it’s what all expect from me,strange ,i always copmly..

I always knew of my good looks ,and silly thoughts,i never was that bright ,but again I could take a peek at your puzzling world, wish you could take me in ,if just for a while..

Now she looked me straight in the eyes, she was so red in face, so lost in thoughts like miles away

But she looked so beautiful, like all women when, when are so vulnerable…

Just for the night, please take me. Take it all, wish I feel your warmth your strength, dreamy eyes

Got me mad…give me your body if just for one night…i will vow faith to you like a slave

Please don’t turn me out…it was lips that touched smooth and brushed, her face covered mine

All my vision, how she could get inside me and took control…she must have certain magic

I miscalculated herself, she was so kissing strong ,I let her for a while ,till I gave in ..Just for her

YOUR EYES…PART2

everything is so poetic about her ..
her eyes ,her words ,the way she forms them and let them out
till they reach your ears..true music you ever hear
her walk ,i pity earth how it could stand those lovely steps
i always fear it may shake and break,how it could stand all such beauty
her eyes ,ohh all so deep like so many worlds are lived in there
tells you how much she could have seen and witnessed,i think
though she never truly went that far..you suppose she travels in time and space
surly she is not like us..such beauty could never be earthly..its shameless
did she come from other planet..then earth changed all colors..earth will never be enough
i am blinded by so much light coming from her..a fantasy creature
how come could we not see..her smile pale ,a touch of sadness and deep in thought
how she would blend with nature like she is part of it..who is she

WRITING

walk on by me ..i will show you lands i ve seen,lives i tried,pains and joys i lived
want to give you a hint of some very different life,you ve never seen before
i will take you high from earth you ve been rooted to ,for too long
then i would love to just let you go ,see if you crash,or come all unharmed
i want you to walk in my shoes for a while and tell me how it feels
for me it ached a lot ,very little joy i felt,but then the journey on whole
was worth while..i want you to see and let me know how it sounded to you
its what i do ,i build up dreams from nothing,and smash them to pieces
its what i do..then i build some others just to see if i am getting any better
i never cared for this life,i just use the roads to take a different turn
every time i liked,i want to switch to speads ,fast and slow
just to feel ,everything different is what i seak
for really i dont want a thing ..i just need to feel different every moment in life
joy and sadness are nothing ,they are just two extremes..life and death
are nothing..for lots that are living ,they dont know they are dead long time ago
i want to show you all this..and i want you tell me what you see..now its your turn

The Bitch

Our life is all disturbed, so why not having it be disturbed more

I like that chaos, lets have some more, it intrigues me, I know I get nauseated, but I like it

I always like my life like that, never knowing where I am going

I like that, I like to feel lost as I was… all through

I like to feel pain, pain so much of it, Pain becomes me

It suits me well, it’s my life my whole life

I like it when it’s sad; I like it when it’s so bad

I like it when I feel disgust all around me

It feels so good; it feels like home, it’s the only home I know
It’s the only home I ever known

Let it come, I like it when it’s dark

I fear the light, it does not becomes me

I like it when I am getting old and rusty

It feels so good, thats how I know life my dear
That’s how I have always known life,
The bitch she is …life